Magic Johnson Jersey, $75 Two tickets to fabled Wrigley Field, $200 Posting a picture of yourself and Bluemouse's wife on the internet... priceless
Juan: I'm good, right guys? Mota: Juan, you suck. Bobby: Hold on, I'm posting a video of your last at bat to FAIL.blogspot.org...
Don: Damnit listen to me, Tom. I fucked that girl! The one with the big tits in the 3rd row. I fucked her!
After just ONE season I have this team in first place. I don't how hard they thought this job was in NY but I can handle it. I mean....baseball IS my middle name.
Umpire: "Juan, calm down." Uribe: "God Damn it! Those are my nachos, Coffey!" Ethier: (to umpire) "We go through this shit every day..."
POOF! Ellis: "What the fuck?!!!" Kemp: "Aw man, I know this cat. It's Shoeless Joe Jackson!" Shoeless Joe: "That's right Mr. Kemp!" Kemp: "Oh this is awesome, what are you doing here Mr. Jackson." Shoeless Joe: "Please, call me Joe. I'm actually a big fan of your team, and I came down to help you guys -- you know, give you advice, answer any questions you might have." Kemp: "You're a fan of ours? I can't believe it!" Shoeless Joe: "Indeed Mr. Kemp. In fact I wanted you on my fantasy team, but God took you with the first pick. But I have you Mr. Ethier and you Mr. Ellis." Kemp: "You have a fantasy league in heaven? For reals? Oh man that's tight!" Dee: "What about me, who's team am I on?" Shoeless Joe: "Forgive me, who are you?" Dee: "What bitch, I'm Dee Gordon… Dee Fucken Gordon!!!" Shoeless Joe: "Dee Gordon, Dee Gordon?… Oh, your Tom's kid!" Dee: "Yeah, yeah, great. Who's team am I on old man?!!!" Shoeless Joe: "Well, you were originally on Ty Cobb's team, but he dumped you because you suck." Dee: "Suck? Why I ought to…" Kemp: "Dee, man. Shut the fuck up!" Shoeless Joe: "Yeah, sorry guys, times running out. So if you have any questions…" Kemp: "Okay, Mr. Jackson… I mean, Joe… how are we going to do this year?" Shoeless Joe: "A lot of that's up to God, Mr. Kemp, but like I said you're on his fantasy team so… You guys will struggle a bit in July, but you'll get better when you get Hamels and Youkilis at the deadline. Oh, and do me one favor -- make sure you thank Davey Lopes when you win the Triple Crown. Anyone else?" Ethier: "Um, Mr. Jackson. Should I re-sign with the Dodgers or test free agency?" Shoeless Joe: "Please, call me Joe. That's really up to you, Mr. Ethier. But if you stay you're going to have to play LF. After all, Mr. Hamilton has a stronger arm and much better range in RF. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that your team will also acquire Mr. Pedroia in the Youkilis trade?" Ellis: "Um, Mr. Jackson. Totally unrelated question, but who's presumed to be dead but really still alive?" Shoeless Joe: "That's a really good question, Mr. Ellis, and please, call me Joe. Well, Hitler, Jim Morrison, David Koresh and Osama Bin Laden are the ones I can tell you. The others you wouldn't be able to handle." Dee: "Um, Joe… what should I work on?" Shoeless Joe: "Another career perhaps, and call me Mr, Jackson… bitch!" Dee: "But…" Shoeless Joe: [fading] "Sorry guys, I'm out. Go Dodgers, and fuck you Dee!"
^ That was the longest caption ever! I never knew Shoeless Joe was so cool. Did he say Hitler is still alive? 123 years old? That's BOSS.
Kid in foreground: "Dude, why the fuck do you keep staring at my package?" Kid in background: "Can't help it bro. Something about little boys nads gets me hot. Not to worry though, I'm sure I'll grow out of it eventually. By the way, my name is Ruven..."